September 07, 2008

 Bristol for Veep!

Barack Obama said Sarah Palin's family is off limits. But since the GOP convention turned them into campaign props, I reckon they are now fair game for satire in that context - though doorstepping and muckraking should still be out. If you disagree, stop here.

Sarah Palin will probably survive Troopergate, helped by GOP consiglieri making offers the locals can't refuse. But what if she doesn't, and John McCain is forced to pick a new running mate?

Here's my proposal: Bristol Palin.

Just look at the pros:

  • Raises expertise of the ticket, replacing mother's beliefs in various things that ain't so by total blank slate of typical American teenager.
  • Gorgeous young hottie - much more so than attractive mother; living testimony to the payoff from radical Palin female mating strategy of ignoring three of the traditional criteria in men, clever, funny, and rich, and betting the farm on the fourth, handsome; nails red-blooded lustful male vote.
  • Vulnerable, manipulated, pregnant young girl; nails warm-hearted maternal female vote.
  • Undermines Obama's hold on AA vote by appealing to sympathy of ghetto welfare queens.
  • No oppo strategy available to Democrats that wouldn't make them look mean and heartless.
  • Wipes floor with Biden in debate by broken-wing tactic: fluttering eyelashes at Biden, moderator, and TV audience, refusing to talk about anything except miracle Baby and Mother martyred by evil press, if all else fails bursting into tears.
  • After debate, can be quarantined until election day, entirely for the Baby's sake, in secret oil company infirmary on Alaska North Slope, guarded from press by roustabouts, Big Oil security goons, Twin Cities police SWAT team, AIP militia, and 500 miles of frozen tundra.
  • After election landslide, miracle Baby will be born in Oval Office on bed of American flags, christened Ronald Barry George III Karl Todd Americus Augustus, or Margaret Nancy Cindy Sarah America Augusta, presented from the balcony to ecstatic crowds, and acclaimed as the infant Basileus (-a) of the new theocratic monarchy; meanwhile pettifogging constraints in the US Constitution are suspended by Commander-in-Chief (now Regent) using inherent war powers and 50 terrorist prisoners are strangled in the basement.

The cons:

  • Might conceivably be perceived by liberal wimps as contrary to common sense, human decency and the national interest.
  • Polar bears.

Should be an an easy choice.

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